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BofDate – 15th June 2007
Childhood obesity is rife, or so statisticians would have
you believe. Fat kids everywhere are shovelling sugar coated crap into their
mouths and not moving – thus swelling and consuming gradually more and more of
the earth’s surface. Back in the day, when key players at The BoF where at
school, there was always some kid called ‘belly’ or ‘tubbs’ or ‘orca’ because
of their rotund appearance. It appears we’ve got to the stage now where kids
will be singled out for not being cholesterol-packed confectionary addicts. At
least those kids can run away, knowing that chubber and his chunky mates are in
no condition to give hot pursuit…If it is such a problem, maybe its time for
fat camps: 6 summer weeks of intensive de-larding over the summer. ‘Enrol your
chubby little chap or lardy lil’ lady in the BoF Juvenile Obesity Therapy Camp.
We’ll have them running and jumping before you can say ‘XXL school uniform’.
And hey, if fear of social exclusion and premature death doesn’t motivate the flabby
youngsters, the pack of rabid ferrets chasing them soon will!’ What’s put a new
twist on the whole story this week is that some people wish for parents who
overfeed their young to be classed as abusers. Whilst it is undoubtedly a
serious problem for the little porkers, it’s not strictly abuse. What’s
required here is education. On a basic level, things like ‘cake is bad – apple
is good, deep fried is bad - grilled is good, found in the street is bad –
bought at the shop is good’. And beyond the basics, there are more complex
methods of identification. For example, if the product is named after an extraterrestrial
body, chances are its not to be consumed in huge proportions. Think Mars Bars,
Galaxy chocolate and Jupiter offal. What’s at the heart of the matter here is
marketing. People of lesser intelligence seem to be the same people who feed
their kids into adult clothes prematurely. The same people are taken in by
crude marketing ploys, and unfortunately healthy things that are grown in
fields or made from natural ingredients tend not to have cartoon characters on.
Spider-man does not appear on boxes of plums. There are no Disney parsnips.
Biker Mice From Mars do not have their own variety of courgette…but burgers,
sweets, chocolates, crisps – all emblazoned with popular characters in an
attempt to draw the kids and their weak-willed parents in. Of course, most
things are fine in moderation. But for some reason, the current generation of
debt-riddled, binge-drinking, must-haves seem to have a problem with
moderation.
BofDate – 7th June 2007
On Monday at 12.30pm the London 2012 Olympic ‘brand’ was
launched. And, like a man with oversized comedy wings on a bicycle leaping off
a pier, the launch did not go well. The brand, you see, is not a brand. It is
in fact a logo. A crappy logo. The middle-class backlash was vicious and
immediate – the majority simply hated it. Outdated, ugly and just too damn
pointy, the logo is far from cutting edge. However, had London been hosting the 1988 Olympics it
would have been spot on, and no doubt proudly adorned by many a shell-suit
wearer. Also, had we been a Baltic nation hosting the 2012 Eurovision song
contest, the style wouldn’t be a problem. Aside from the immediate and basic
observation that it’s just terrible, the logo has further hidden horrors. Look
closely for the abstract image of animalistic sexual congress. To put it
plainly, the right hand side of the logo appears to be taking the left hand
side ‘roughly from behind’. A sly dig at the unwilling British taxpayer
perhaps? Perhaps not…The 2012 Olympics have divided opinion already. After all,
it’s expensive and its sport, which has the ‘tight fisted unhealthy’
demographic getting very cross. We may be hosting one of the biggest events on
the planet bringing untold revenue and publicity, but being British we have a
few practical questions: Where am I going to park? Is it going to cost me £30
per ticket to see the synchronized 3 metre springboard qualifiers? Is my local
B&B going to be overrun with Algerian heptathletes? What if the Swedish
basketball team buy all the milk from my local Spar? The common cause for
complaint is that the money should be spent on better, more sensible boring
things like schools and hospitals and traffic calming measures. We at the BoF
often wonder what such whiners do themselves for pleasure. Presumably it’s
something that’s free and enriches the lives of others which promoting the
prosperity of the nation. Not just eating crisps and watching EastEnders,
stopping occasionally to rant cynically about something happening outside of
the front window. The Olympics in 2012 look set to inspire a generation and
leave a lasting legacy. The faltering logo may give the naysayers some
ammunition, but come 2012 it could well be the greatest show on Earth. Or at
least on a par with ‘An evening with Ken Dodd’ anyway…
England’s comfortable footballing win on Wednesday night
ensured that the mob, complete with flaming torches, axes and broken ‘Broon
Ale’ bottles, that has gathered outside FA headquarters hoping for a defeat
were left disappointed. England are victorious, meaning that Steve McClaren can sleep comfortably in the
knowledge that his ineptitude somehow hasn’t cost him his job yet. The mob can
now move temporarily away from football and lambaste England Cricket captain
Michael Vaughan. He dared to say that Andrew Flintoff falling off a pedalo lead
to the demise of England’s
world cup hopes. It’s fair to say the incident was far from ideal preparation.
However, the prospect of newly-bowled batsmen trudging back to the pavilion
offering excuses such as ‘I would have read the bounce better in Freddie hadn’t
got lashed and fallen in the sea at 4am 3 weeks ago’ seems a little lame.
Should you be at a loose end this weekend, perhaps you could
consider the 'University 175th Anniversary celebrations'. Highlights include: 'a
performance by visiting artistes Plasticiens Volants, bringing their cutting
edge high aerial inflatables show...they will be joined by the Pirates of
Menspants...the Spurting Man is another performance not to be missed - an
innovative and very funny human fountain display'
Is this some sort of porn festival…?
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