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BoFdate 30th January 2008
It's all a bit
bleak out there. Plots to behead
soldiers, a wife poisoning her husband with an anti-freeze curry, people in Kenya being hacked and burnt to death,
children at school not drinking to avoid having their testicles set fire to by
bullies when they take a slash, a father stabbed to death with a samurai sword
in a row over a football, Christopher Dean not Dancing on Ice this week.
It's enough to drive a happy soul to despair. read more
BoFDate – 28th
January 2008
It was McRecently announced that McDonalds are to McOffer
McCourses which are at a McStandard equivalent to McA-levels. But these
externally recognised qualifications for management trainees have reopened the
debate on credible attainment. Some university admissions tutors have already
stated that they will not accept students with new vocational and academic
diplomas on the grounds that the chances of the students being poor and/or
common are greatly increased. ‘They simply couldn’t afford the rowing club fees
and they’ll probably have lice’ said one Oxbridge tutor, who wished to remain
anonymous. read more
BoFdate – 25th
January 2008
Approximately 82% of people love ambiguous statistics. This
week, the BBC reported on a new survey by those crazy guys and girls down at
the National Centre for Social Research on British Social Attitudes. The
headline-grabbing stat from this study was that ‘70% of the 3,000 people polled
had no objections to pre-marital sex’. One can only assume that the other 30%
were surveyed in 1942, or that they belong to the Church of Ideal and Utopian Abstinence. Perhaps this is the proportion of Britons who are too
ugly to ever get married and feel that if they should be sat at home alone,
unable to partake in a bit of horizontal jogging with a lover, all the other
unmarrieds should have to join them. read more
BoFdate 22nd
January 2008
Turmoil! Slump! Meltdown!
CRASH BANG WALLOP!! The boys in
the red braces are getting all hot under their expensively tailored, stripy
collars this week as stock markets across the globe take a tumble. And it's all America's fault. Stupid yanks lending made up money to people
who can't pay it back. Why couldn't they
just follow the sober and prudent British example and lend made up money to
people who can't pay it back. read more
BoFDate – 21st
January 2008
In case you hadn’t noticed, petrol is getting a bit pricy.
At one time you’d be wrestling with the four-star hose and take note of the
‘special offers’ available if you spent £12.99 or more. ‘Hmm’ you’d think,
‘Whilst I don’t need a poorly manufactured ratchet set, a tyre pressure-gauge
key ring or last year’s map of the British Isles, I simply can’t resist a
bargain’ and you’d slap in a bit more fuel than you had set out for. Such
outstanding offers have surely become defunct nowadays. By the time you’ve
selected your preferred nozzle (be it ‘Premium’ unleaded, ‘Super’ unleaded,
‘David Beckham Elite’ unleaded or whatever) and blinked, you’ve already spent
more than £12.99. Indeed, recent calculations suggest it is necessary to spend
more than £12.99 if you want to have enough fuel to leave the forecourt. read more
BoFdate – 18th January 2008
Anyone who’s ever emptied a cat litter tray knows how it
feels to go ‘panning for shite’. Whereas 19th century Californians would be
shaking the pan in the hope of finding a precious hunk or two, you find
yourself jiggling the cat tray at 7 a.m. in attempt to locate an entirely
different kind of ‘nugget’. And with the turd removed and clean litter added
the cat comes wandering in to see what’s going on. She then proceeds to sniff
the tray before casting a scowl in your direction that says ‘Hmm, still smells
of crap to me…I hate you’ and wandering off. And thus, your hard and horrible
work goes unappreciated. And this must be how British retailers are feeling in
the wake of poor Christmas sales. read more
BoFdate 15th January 2008
We’ve all been there.
Half way down the road a thought suddenly pops into your head; “did I
switch the oven off?”, “did I lock the door?”, “I did put clothes on this
morning, didn’t I? Oh dear”. It’s easy in this hectic, busy and confusing
world for small details to slip out of our head as we worry about the staff
biscuit fund and other such drivel.
Unfortunately for the work and pensions secretary Peter Hain, while he
was busy doing whatever it is a work and pensions secretary does, the question
that popped into his head was “ooo, I did declare that £103,000 didn’t I?” Sadly not, Peter. And please, go put some clothes on. read more
BoFDate – 14th January 2008
Hospitals, by their very nature, are dirty and full of
disease. And whilst there may be the odd octogenarian who, in a Grandpa Simpson
type way, enjoys the attention that being ill affords, most of us would prefer
to stay well away from the local NHS house of decrepitude. Latterly hospital
reputations have taken a severe battering for the way in which they harbour
infection. Broken your leg whilst skiing? Have a bout of MRSA for good measure.
Chest infection? You’ll be wanting some pneumonia to go with that. It’s a bit
like ‘Wash n’
Go’, but in reverse: why take just one
infection into the shower… read more
BoFdate – 10th January 2008
“It's becoming quite alarming and the pressure is
frightening, but it's something we've got to live with” – no, not global
terrorism, climate change or a Chris De Burgh comeback: its Premier League
Football managers facing the sack at any given moment. Those ruthless chairmen
had already put 7 desperate men to the vocational sword, citing such
unreasonable arguments as them ‘being shite’, before Big Sam got the chop.
Truly it was a dark day for the man who, according to Panorama, puts the ‘bung’
into ‘bungling incompetence’. “It is disappointing. I don't know why they've
done it now" said Sam with Newcastle United sitting in the bottom half of
the table and only 3 days after the team’s somewhat fortunate 0-0 draw with one
of the true powers in world football: Stoke City. Well, it’s a funny old game
isn’t it? Or, on Tyneside this season, a crappy old game that frequently ends
in defeat. read more
BoFdate 8th
January 2008
Oh Mr Clarkson, how naïve
you were. Assuming that he could publish his bank details in a national
‘newspaper’ without reprisal was fairly dumb. Whilst he may have been making a
valid point that the sensationalism surrounding the loss of personal data had
reached ludicrous levels, publishing your account and sort code numbers in The
Sun is the equivalent of repeatedly slapping your lovespuds against the face of
a starving alligator. In the mind of The BoF, Jeremy’s downfall (well, a
phantom £500 direct debit set up against his account - its not like the fall of
Troy or anything…) came about because he neglected to remember that an awful
lot of people dislike him. It may be fairly tricky to abuse the data he gave,
but if you piss off enough people with your outspoken views on contentious
topics, one of them is bound to have the inclination to set aside a little time
to get even.
read more
3rd January 2007 - BoF winter travel advice
The sudden flurry of snow
showers that swept over Britain today caught out many vulnerable drivers, with
some being held up for up to minutes at a time.
To survive the worst of the Arctic conditions currently hitting over
three small areas of the country the BoF has provided an invaluable guide about
what to do in the event of it being cold in winter. read more
1st January 2008
Political apathy does have its pluses. Recently, both Gordon Brown and David Cameron
spoke to the nation in their New Year messages.
The nation didn’t care. Too busy
trying to get rid of their unwanted Christmas tat on eBay. Gordon rambled on about “real and serious
changes” as opposed to those made up, frivolous changes we’re always bothering
with. And David made his vision for Britain clear: “to give people more opportunity
and power over their lives, to make families stronger and society more
responsible, and to make Britain safer and greener.” Clear as a local
government policy document covered in twigs hiding in a hedge. Both orations could succinctly be distilled into
the more tolerable “I’ll do good stuff an’ that. read more
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