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BoFdate 8th Feb 2007
Some people are known to confuse Bernard Matthews with Bernard Manning. Those
people this week sought assurance that the stone-aged northern comedian had not
culled 160,000 chickens. In fact it was the other Bernard, of ‘bootiful’ poultry
fame, who needed to knock off many-a-chicken in a hurry. That’s right; the
deadly H5N1 strain of bird flu is back: and this time it’s personal. Before you
could say ‘beef on the bone’ various countries were queuing up to ban British
poultry. With CJD, foot and mouth and now bird flu in recent years, the medical
term ‘Farmer’s Finger’ has been introduced for a particular type of arthritis
caused by excessive finger crossing…
It’s nice to see Steve Mclaren doing his bit for England too. With the cricket and
rugby teams in uncharacteristically victorious form, Steve ensures that we’ve
still got one sporting team capable of riling a nation. Adopting the
time-honoured technique of ‘look clueless but act surprised when defeated’,
it’s nice to see Mr Mclaren has settled in to his new role so quickly.
After months of violent protests, people marching through the streets of London, petitions signed
by millions of angry citizens and a high-profile celebrity campaign, the
government finally gave in to the pressure and gave the people what they
wanted: a super-casino. What’s that you say? You don’t remember anyone
clamouring for one? You’re obviously not from Blackpool.
Sadly for the residents of Lancashire’s premier seaside town it is Manchester that will be
putting the bling in gambling problem. Because that makes more sense.
Apparently.
Elsewhere we’ve got
prisons full-to-bursting, letter-bombings, 12 feet of snow in the south east
(so the media would have you believe), gang crime, the seemingly never ending
cash-for-honours debacle and love-triangle US astronauts attacking each other
with pepper spray. In short, there’s plenty to get annoyed about. Why not vent
your spleen on the BoF Forum? Go on, let it all out.
BoFdate: 15th Feb 2007
A consensus has been reached amongst the worlds leading scientists: humans are
contributing towards climate change and the impact is negative. And it could
get a whole lot more negative, but that doesn’t stop cheap airlines getting
very cross about it all. More specifically, they’re upset about the new air tax
rates that start at a shocking 10 (yes, ten) pounds sterling. Only today,
Ryanair put a full page add in The Sun to highlight the fact that they are not
chuffed. Why should people be taxed more as air travel only contributes 2% of
the CO2 they ask? It would appear that it is now everybody’s God-given right to
fly off to Malaga on a whim and get pissed with your mates for as little cash as possible. How
does the government expect honest citizens to fund their ‘6 trips a year to Europe’s crappiest airports’ habit now they have to fork
out an extra tenner each time? And is the government aware that whilst pubic
servants such as Ryanair so generously seek to help the less fortunate get
mortalled on Dutch lager bi-monthly, some the companies responsible for the
other 98% of CO2 are irresponsibly concerned with producing such luxuries as
electricity and housing?
The fact that motoring-related organisations were sent exploding mail last week
inadvertently pushed the never-ending speed camera debate back into the news.
It was another opportunity for those people stupid enough to be caught speeding
to try and explain how they should be let off because it’s just not fair. ‘If
you don’t speed you won’t get fined’ is the cry from those members of the
public wearing anoraks and clutching a Thermos flask. And its true, only if you
scratch beneath the surface of the argument put forth by Mr and Mrs ‘but it was
2 a.m. and the road was like totally empty and its just a government
money-making scheme and I drive a hybrid don’t you know’ you can see where the
real argument lies. These people have an issue with the speed limit, not the
speed cameras. If you think that it’s acceptable to drive faster at night/on
motorways/when Venus is in conjunction with Uranus than is currently allowed
then THAT is your argument. Not the fact that you didn’t see the big yellow box
until it was too late, therefore ensuring a public shaming and 3 penalty
points.
So these people should
draw up a petition, as seems to be the trend at the moment. The government
petition site has a whole lotta’ rage contained within its pages. People want
to save Royal Surrey County Hospital,
stop road works in Lowestoft, bring back
Concorde and reinstate Lester Piggott’s OBE, amongst other things. Come on
people, never mind wasting your time with the government, let it all out with
The BoF!
BoFdate – 22nd February 2007
It’s been a while since a celebrity haircut caused such a media furore. Not
since David Beckham popped down the barbers and plumped for a Mohawk have we
seen such frenzied barnet banter. That’s right: Ms Spears has gone for the
cue-ball look and in the process invoked a hilarious/ludicrous/pathetic
debate. Everyone’s concerned you see, in a kind of
lets-stand-here-and-see-if-she’ll-do-something-even- more-mental type way. Is
she losing it? Is she rebelling? Is she making a statement? We at The BoF think
it could be a lice problem. Whatever the reasoning behind Britney’s
self-inflicted slaphead appearance, the debate is wide ranging. From reasoned
and intelligent discussions about the pressures on modern A-list celebrities to
less eloquent lad’s mag ‘would you still do her or not then?’ chat, seemingly
everyone’s talking about that buzz-cut. And that in itself enrages some. The
old ‘people are dying so how can you care about this tosh’ argument rears its
head at times like this, courtesy of those members of society who eat
high-fibre cereals and cycle to work on a folding bike. Evidently, to appease
such folk we should all spend the day sat in silence, slowly shaking our heads
whilst considering the bleakness of it all.
He’s not long been in the
job, but new FIFA president Michel Platini has already got his hands full. With
Italian football already in disarray, Platini’s own countrymen slide into the
crisis with their studs showing. Straight from the page in the manual marked
‘gas n’ whack’, the French police show the world just how not to handle a
potential crowd disaster. Its somewhat less than reassuring to see that
standard procedure on the continent for aiding the unarmed football support in
danger of being crushed appears to be ‘teargas ‘em and give the more persistent
buggers a good clubbing with your truncheon’. Early reports seem to indicate
that Platini has assembled hand-picked task force intent on creating the
world’s biggest rug under which to sweep this unsightly mess. Had it occurred
in Britain however, we’d be banned. From everything. Forever.
In other news, Barclay’s have struggled to another multi-gazillion pound annual
profit, but may still need to charge you for your current account. The third in
line to the throne is heading out to Iraq whilst peppermint tea stops
women getting facial hair. As ever, there’s plenty to BoF on about…
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