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29th June 2008
Matters lavatorial
The BoF has long wondered what it would take to bring about
a revolution in England. Not one of those storm the Palace and drown
the King in a barrel of his own urine types, though. More a revolution of thought and behaviour in
the mind of the population as they inch towards a retail park on a Saturday
afternoon. A collective awakening that
suddenly cries ‘what the feck am I doing?
I don’t need an Anthony Worrell Thompson deluxe egg whisk and stainless
steel spatula set’. A revolution that
decides to finally guillotine those with stupid hair, range rovers or people
who use the words equity, property and market in the same insufferably smug
sentence.
Could it be spiralling inflation that pushes people over the
edge? You would think a tripling in the price
of Jammie Dodgers would be enough to make anyone reach for the pitch fork and
flaming brand. But as Robert Mugabe is sworn
in for the sixth time as President of Zimbabwe with inflation running at about
one billion percent, our rulers can breathe easy on that one for the time
being. Maybe the ‘credit crunch’ will
bring out the revolutionary rage. Or the ‘credit is money that doesn’t exist,
stop spending it anus crunch’ as it is better known. And it is indeed causing a few anuses to
crunch as a fortnight in Alicante can no longer be paid for with magic beans
credit. But the credit crunch is of course a global
phenomenontm, meaning we can
blame Americans while sleeping soundly on Visa sponsored super king size goose
down mattresses. Possibly tax can bring
out the protesting Frenchman in all of us as a dying government extracts the
entire contents of our purse or wallet, puts it in a shredder and then feeds it
to an elephant. Or feeds it to something
even less useful, like council management co-coordinators, team leaders and
information officers. But then several
million people are council management co-coordinators, team leaders and
information officers who like being fed tax money. No, there’s only one thing that could start
the glorious revolution. Toilets.
The appropriately named Brown Brothers, who supply meat for
the great supermarket Satan Tesco, has been criticised by the Unite union for
making production line drones clock out when they need to hit the shitter. Managing director Martin Godfrey defended the
logging off system, claiming his humanoid operatives were paid extra for
pissing and shitting at designated times.
Or ‘managing their lavatorial affairs’ as he put it. Previous attempts to manage lavatorial
affairs had involved company catheters being fitted so as not to lose a second’s
vital meat packing time. Optional team
nappies had been provided and a workers ‘crap trough’ installed so those on the
production lines could defecate as freely as cattle grazing in a field. Sadly a succession of Mr. Whippy chocolate specials
were sent down the conveyor belt to arrive shrink wrapped on Tesco shelves. So
working practices had to be adjusted.
And this where revolution starts, people – on the
crapper. Giving consideration to
Godfrey’s position, the man has a point.
How can a production line run when the chicken pluckers are all heading
for a meeting in the porcelain office?
It can’t. Which is why a
production line shouldn’t run. Do people
not remember the eleventh commandment? ‘Thou shalt not instigate working
practices that are incompatible with the bowels.’ What is the point of either a life spent
controlling your bowels so you can process meat uninterrupted or controlling other
people’s bowels so they can process meat uninterrupted? And what is the point of a life spent
supplying humongous amounts of meat to supermarkets which gets thrown out
because there’s too much of it? It is
not just the drones who need to be freed from the bladder constricting dictats
of Mr. Godfrey, but Mr. Godfrey himself.
Come on Martin, life is about more than meat and its digestive waste
products. It’s time to embrace our shit
and reconnect with what it is to be human.
One employee said a single toilet break could take up to 10
minutes. 10 minutes? I’ve had farts that lasted longer than ten
minutes. A true toilet break should
involve a selection of suitable reading matter and possibly a little
music. The revolutionary toilet break
opens the mind as well as the bowels. This is where the shift in consciousness
takes place. The toilet is a haven of
thought, repose and reflection that allows the human mind to wander and to ponder. How many of our creations, both mighty and
humble, were teased out along with a turd or two? Now, if you’ll excuse me, its time to
wipe and flush.
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