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1st June 2008
Something fishy going on.
Where do you draw the line on representations of public
nudity? The human body is a beautiful
thing says the naturist, ironically displaying a physique that resembles a
gelatinous boulder with a pair of gonads grafted on the underside rather than
Grecian sculpture. “Your nipples are an
abomination!” bellows the retired major to the breastfeeding woman, before
privately squeezing his geriatric thighs together at the thought of a rude
letter in the Mail on Sunday problem page.
We seem to have managed to reach a consensus about public wang waving
and bap jiggling (not the done thing, except at large sporting events, on a
person by person basis, ornamented with a lust diminishing cartwheel at the
end). But when it comes to images of the
human body there seems to be a great deal of confusion about where to place the
fig leaves.
Happily, if you’re a militant Christian you don’t have to
think about this, as ancient authoritarian tracts can do all your thinking for
you. And those tracts say ‘FANNIES COME
FROM HELL!!’ Fishy fannies at that. US-based Christian group The Resistance is
calling for a boycott of the coffee-selling Satan itself, Starbucks. God presumably approves of crushing the life
out of local businesses and branding over-priced coffee as desirable, because
The Resistance aren’t concerned about corporate psychopathy, but slutty
mermaids. And if there’s one thing God
just can’t stand, it’s a slutty mermaid.
The new Starbuck’s logo is based on a 16th century Norse design of a
mermaid with two-tails. However, the
eyes of the rabidly faithful see “legs spread like a prostitute… The company
might as well call themselves Slutbucks.”
If only slutbucks hadn’t already been copyrighted by a firm in Amsterdam…
It’s easy to laugh at demented Christians, so we’d better make a start. “Legs spread like a prostitute”? It’s a mermaid. Mermaids don’t have legs. (They don’t exist either, but lack of
existence has never stopped people thinking Jesus loves them or that Allah is
Great, so let’s quietly sidestep that one)
At the very least The Resistance should have complained about fins or
tails spread like a prostitute. But then
we’d have to delve into the murky world of mermaid prostitution; down on their
luck mermaids standing on coral corners trying to entice lobsters to pay for a
bit of hot crustacean action. Plus, how
would such spiritually pure folk know how a prostitute spreads her legs? Is this different to how a god fearing lady
spreads her legs? Or God a fearing
mermaid for that matter? But that just
takes us back to all the fin/legs/tail confusion.
Clearly we need some clarification here.
So let’s head over to The Resistance website to fill in the gaps. “The Bible is the greatest book ever written”
declares the homepage. Gah, have they
not read When the Lion Feeds by
Wilbur Smith? I’m not sure opinions such
as these can be relied upon. Especially
as The Resistance Manifesto requires a $14.95 payment before its wisdom can be
imparted. Also, your passage through the
gates of heaven will be helped no end if you’re wearing a Resistance branded
T-shirt, hat or bib. Such cheap commercialism
dents the integrity of The Resistance message (Please note BoF Trucker Caps
still available. Only $13.99)
However, one poster on their forum is convinced of the mersmut argument:
“wow... hes right.. a mermaid whore... showing us all she's
got... shame on starbucks...”
Behold! Satan has sent his Merwhores to
corrupt the American public. But what is she showing? Phworrr, look at the gills on that. If only Starbucks could have operated with a
little decorum instead:
“one flipper.... to one side.... and suddenly... IT WOULD BE COMPLETELY
CLEAN...”
But no. The fish sex crazed beasts at
Starbucks knew exactly what they were doing:
“its clear... they wanted to add a sexual message to their logo. what that
message is... is unclear.. but clearly... they want to use sex.. mermaid
sluttyness.. to sell coffee.”
Clearly unclearly clear indeed. Just
picture the brainstorming session at the Starbucks advertising department-
“Come on people, what would sell more coffee?”
“erm… Mermaid sluttyness?”
“Brilliant!” Presumably, stage
two of The Resistance’s merboycott is communal bonfire, where the faithful can
hurl their copies of Splash, Splash 2 and Disney’s The Little Mermaid into the flames.
Yes, it is easy to mock. But let’s not
be complacent here. I have to confess,
I’ve always been strangely aroused by the laughing cow advert. That inviting bovine giggle, the wantonly
large cheese earrings… you know she’d do dirty things in the barn with her
udders. The Laughing Cow website declares that “Our delicious snack cheeses
include creamy, delicious spreadable wedges”. Spreadable wedges??! Camouflaged filth warping the minds of your
impressionable young. Remember the
Cadbury’s Caramel rabbit? The saucy
bitch. Many an impure thought will no
doubt have stemmed from those fluttering bunny eye-lashes and excessively buxom
bunny ears. The corrupting hand of Satan
extends to confectionary as well as cheesy snacks. And look again at the Starbuck’s strap line
-“fresh roasted?” Don’t let any Manchester United players in, or they’ll be
very disappointed.
So maybe The Resistance do have a point.
They believe that 9/11 was an inside job perpetrated with by the US government, so they can’t be totally insane.
And are Satanic mermaid sluts anymore batty than… well, anything in the
bible? Ask Tony Blair, he’s a man of
faith. So much faith that he’s had to
establish “The Tony Blair Faith Foundation” in order to manage his messianic
impulses. One of the foundation’s aims
is to tackle the problem of war and conflict in the middle east. Which I’m sure the people of Iraq and
Afganistan would find almost as funny as merhoes. Almost.
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