|
10th July 2008
Save Energy. Stop whining.
Whinging: if there’s one thing we can’t stand at The BoF its
hearing morons whinging and whining on about shite that you know full well they
haven’t got the brass balls to oppose when it comes down to it. Whereas we like
to present an eloquent if occasionally ill-informed rant about the issues of
the day and what we’ll do about it come the great revolution [looks at sky
whilst tapping watch], there’s a world of difference between the prolonged
spouting of hilarious rage and the feeble whinnying of some two-dimensional
fanny. And with that said, let’s have a
look at a couple of choice whingings that have caught the eye over the past few
days…
Energy saving light
bulbs - Half-arsed research appears to suggest that Thomas Edison was not
the pioneer of what the French call ‘le bulbous du light’, but he is widely
credited with the creation. And now, well over a century after the first light
bulb fell out of a tree and hit Newton on the head only to be shot by William
Tell, there is a much more efficient alternative to the traditional
‘incandescent’ bulb. White people with dreadlocks will tell you that
incandescent bulbs waste 95% of the energy they use and that the new ‘energy
saving’ bulb is the way forward. Our camp-mouthed, Heathcliff-a-like Prime
Minister tends to agree, decreeing that old-style bulbs will be phased out and
totally eradicated by 2011. Fair enough you might think: in these times or
recycling, fiddling profusely with one’s thermostat and bathing bi-monthly, we
all have to pull together to save the icebergs and shit. But hold it a moment:
have you thought this through fully? Have you Gordon?? HAVE YOU!?!?
There is a counterargument, put forward by some people in
cardigans who fear change. There points can be summarised as:
a) They’re ugly (the bulbs, not
necessarily all the people in cardigans)
b) They won’t work with dimmer
switches
c) They take a second to come on
and a while to reach maximum lightyness
d) They’re not as bright
So, let’s consider this plethora of patheticness:
a) Ah yes. When the global-warming induced hurricane hits
and only seconds separate you from a horrific death, you can at least mull over
all those good times you had with your attractive bulbs for company. You know,
after a while they’re better than human friends. Human friends hurt me by going
away. My bulbs will never leave me.
b) The dimmer switch: for the man who prefers to wank in
low-level lighting. There are other options available: lamps, candles, knocking
together a couple of bits of flint.
c) So? Wait! Some people walk 5 miles a day for drinking
water. You can give it 30 seconds before sitting down with the latest copy of
Bella and failing the ‘have I got a personality’ quiz on page 14.
d) Sigh. And so comes the crux of the ‘we fear change’
argument. If light is that important, paint the inside of your whole house
brilliant white for reflective purposes. What are you doing at home that
requires a 200 Watt bulb anyway? No, wait, I don’t care.
Kids at weddings
– Religion is a funny subject in the UK: still capable of polarising
opinion yet the majority of people are somewhat apathetic towards it. It’s fair
to say that the Church of England could do with getting a few more punters down
the nave. What they don’t need is bad publicity by say, oh I don’t know, having
a vicar throw the child of the bride and groom out of the church mid-wedding.
Because the church is no place to have fun and be noisy: it’s a place to be
thankful, but mostly apologetic/repentant. Very quietly. And in the process of
telling the little one that he could take his overexcitement and his
Tellytubbies and shove them*, the vicar in question re-opened the age old
debate: weary parent vs. bitter childless twat. Naturally, the narrow-minded
child-free were falling over themselves to criticise parents everywhere and
agree that child-free weddings are the way to go. Their arguments can but
summarised as follows:
a) Today’s generation of career parents have no control over
their feral youth
b) They create noise and distraction
c) It’s the bride and grooms day…
And, with one hand tied behind my back that can be rebuffed:
a) Hoho, your brush is made for tarring. You are not a
parent. You have no idea what you are talking about. You will no doubt try to
compare your pet ownership to my status as a parent and will be lucky to escape
without a Biro jammed in your face. How about you commit to something you can’t
later sell on EBay or cancel the direct debit to before voicing further
opinions on the matter?
b) They do. They also breathe and eat and move. Little
bastards. Why not invite 50 statues of people looking misty eyed and interested
and leave all the real people in the pub where they’d rather be anyway.
c) It is indeed. And if that is how they feel they should
enjoy marriage whilst it lasts as such a sign of selfishness bodes…poorly for
the hopes of the relationship.
I could go on. But my doctor advises against it. He just
needs to wait. Come the revolution. He’s near the top of the list. Below Ghandi
and Lesley Crowther…
* - Dramatisation. May not have happened.
| |
