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6th July 2008
Cows. Lots of Cows
Summer can be a
competitive time of year. With the
tedium of lengthy league competition out of the way it’s time for the one on
one, knock out thrills to begin. Happily,
England were not around to get the nation fired up into a frenzy of mediocre underachievement
at Euro 2008, thus leaving space for tennis to rouse the armchair pundit /
racist xenophobe into bilge spouting action.
Andy Murray is once again that Scottish loser with the stupid hair rather
than magnificent Murray the plucky Brit. The prospect of another
all Williams Wimbledon final resulted in copious moaning from people who half
watch one tournament a year. Moaning which,
of course, was based on sporting knowledge and had nothing to do with a lack of
white, blonde Europeans contesting the title.
And staff room experts again excelled themselves picking a men’s
champion on a ‘I like Federer’s Cardigan’ vs ‘I like Nadal’s sweaty left bicep’
basis. But it’s time to step off the
annual Wimbledon soapbox because this summer
there’s only one showdown that really counts.
Not Federer v. Nadal nor Serena v. Venus. It’s Badger v. Cow.
The Government
has come out on the side of cute, nocturnal snufflers in their battle with tasty,
yet excessively flatulent ungulates. Despite spreading TB in cattle, a cull of
badgers has been rejected, angering farm folk but pleasing the Badger
Trust.
And if there’s one group you do no want to displease it’s the Badger
Trust. Rumour has it Gordon Brown woke
up next to a severed cow’s head and an aggressively scent marked wardrobe. But once again it’s the cows that have missed
out in a major final. Returning to
sporting analogies, cows could be considered the Jimmy White of the animal kingdom;
Well liked, successful but always on the receiving end of culling in the big games. (White was officially culled by Steve Davis
in 1991) BSE? Cull those cows. Foot n’ mouth? Get those hooves on the barbeque. TB?
Sorry Daisy, time to get out the bolt gun again. Cows are clearly lacking in the PR
department. In retrospect they never
really stood a chance in this latest contest.
Badgers are too furry, too stripy, too Wind in the Willowys to be hunted. Perhaps a modern re-imagining is
required to redress the Badger bias in society.
Penned by Melvin Burgess. Mole
helps Cow through a difficult withdrawal from growth hormones before
being tragically run over by a speeding Toad high on crack.
Poop poop.
Badgers have
been winning the propaganda war for too long.
Cows remain burger fodder while badgers are the avuncular grandpa figures
spreading woodland wisdom, rather than TB and plague. Where is The International Society for Cow
Protection when they are needed? (“Not
only cows, but animals have SOULS the same as we do. All are children of God,
all are dear to Him. With this view in mind, it can be seen that slaughter is a
form of MURDER. The cow, however, is our MOTHER.” Maybe best not to involve The International
Society for Cow Protection) But if farmers are to ensure their herds are not
decimated once more positive bovine role models are badly needed in the
media. The BBC has worked hard on its bmelgh presence (black minority
ethnic lesbian gay hermaphrodite.
Hermaphrodite? We’re looking at you John Inverdale.) But a strong
cow presence is required. Prominent scientist and oddly named peer Lord Krebs
is against the cull stating that "surveillance and biosecurity” are the
ways to control TB. That’s more like
it. Surveillance and biosecurity mean
spies, espionage, thrillers and block buster films. Take that badger. Wait till Tom Clancy's The Hunt for Quality Silage hits the bestseller list with cows
playing a pivotal role in the fight against global terrorism, then you’re in
for cullin’.
So there’s a solution
to the problem. Re-writing classic
children’s literature, getting cows to read the 10 o’ clock news and having Ben
Stiller buddy up with a prize heifer for his next film. Alternatively, there is the option of
transforming the unsustainable and destructive nature of modern farming that
leads to overproduction, disease and suffering into something more palatable. Farmers
and supermarket buyers are getting out the thesaurus as I write.
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