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3rd July 2008
A special serving of sporting crumble
Hoho, poor Andy Murray. On Monday evening: British Tennis
Hero. By Thursday evening: Scottish loser. Having seemingly enjoyed the
traditional pre-match meal of ‘sporting crumble’, Murray emerged leaded-footed before being
handed his own arse in spectacular fashion. To be fair, no-one with even a
passing interest in furry yellow balls expected Murray to win. Nadal and Federer, like Geena
Davis and that shemale with the big shoulders, are in a league of their own.
They might as well break away from the ATP and, in conjunction with some
privately financed human cloning company, create some sort of…anyway, they’re
better than all the rest.
So, was that the highlight of the British sporting summer
calendar we ask ourselves? Well, this is an Olympic year so we’ll have to see.
There’s always the prospect of the surprise bronze medal in the 30 metre pistol
shooting. The problem with the Olympics is there are no proper British sports
in it. We’ve seen the Americans lever in baseball and basketball and
speed-eating and all the other shite they have the monopoly on over the years. Let’s
get some proper sports in the mix so we can sit back and watch the medals, and
indeed the headlines role in:
GOLDEN
WONDER!
BRITS
STICK IT TO ‘EM WITH RECORD HAUL
reports BoF Boffington
for the Daily BoF
In
a quite astounding day in Beijing,
Britain picked
up no fewer than 5 gold medals in only a few hours across a variety of
disciplines. Firstly, Ken Clough picked up gold in the freestyle pigeon
fancying. Ken, of the Doncaster Flappers, said ‘Our Irene will be chuffed
like’. Then, literally minutes later at the pool, ‘Big’ Marge Monahan made it a
double haul. Marge raced home first in the 18-stone plus Women’s doggy
paddle across a municipal swimming pool with the wave machine on – and that
was despite a very strong challenge from the American contingent. Marge said
she was ‘Ready to get lashed and have a kebab or four’. A little over an hour
later, 82 year old Rose Tweddle and 88 year old Kitty Sharp made it a hat trick
in the synchronised complaining. A short while after that the focus
switched to track side where Kev Elliott put the fans in dreamland by
destroying the competition in the notoriously difficult being obnoxious in
front of strangers on public transport. Lastly, Beth Simpson fought back
from seemingly nowhere to take gold in the living beyond my means but
staving off the debt-collectors. We caught up with Beth in between trips to
Bright House and Cash Converters, but she was unavailable for comment whilst
lugging a 47” plasma screen TV around. After a phenomenal day, Brits will be
looking hopeful towards tomorrow. The form book seems to indicate that Britain should perform well in public defecation and the seaside 2p
pushing-machine marathon, but perhaps our biggest hopes lie with the Big
Issue-seller dodging.
But, of course, that’s not going to happen. Not until we
storm the IOC headquarters and hold the president hostage until they give in to
our demands for a free and fair Olympics. Plus they should all have to do it in
the buff like in ancient times. And the winter Olympics as well. That would put
a whole new spin on it. See how many of those big padded-up bullies that play
ice-hockey would be so intent on a scrap if they were all sent out bareback.
The ice skating commentary would be a joy to behold: ‘Oh, perfect form
there…and what a scrotum’. The bobsleigh would no doubt be a popular event for
the competitors, as they could huddle together for warmth. I tell you what, I
can’t think of a single sport that wouldn’t be better played naked. Cricket:
none of this LBW shite. Get your fucking legs out the way and hit it with the
bat, man. Football: ‘Well Clive he may be arguably the best player in the world
but he’s defiantly somewhat lacking in the joy department.’ Tennis: ‘Centre
Court could have sold out 80-times over for this classic between Maria
Sharapova and Holly Willoughby…who’s recently taken up tennis…’
See, back in the day we used to invent all the sports and
then win at them. Well, maybe not that second part…
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