|
4th August 2008
Sing if you’re glad to be gay
Homophobia. Bizarre,
isn’t it? The homophobic amongst you may
disagree, but in between shaving swastikas into the back of your half cousin’s
head (if you live in Illinois) or repressing your inappropriate lusts for the
local vicar (if you live in Buckinghamshire)
take a moment to consider why you find the gay folk around you so very
startling. Amongst the rich variety of
homophobic culture, from Jim Davidson to Hitler to the Pope, there is very
little that actually pinpoints why certain people are so horrified by the
concept of gays and lesbians, outside of ‘eugh, bum sex’ or ‘eugh, spiky
mullets’. The nature of phobia is that
it is irrational, yet many people, who possess the intelligence not to eat
bricks or boil their face off each morning, continue to protest their fears as
rational and justified. Without offering
any rationale or justification. It’s a
lot like a fear of spiders. Spiders
can’t hurt you; neither can gays.
Spiders are more disturbed by you than you are of them, just like
gays. It’s the scuttling way spiders
move that perturbs, just as a scuttling gay can cause a homophobe to shriek and
climb up the nearest lamppost. Neither are
in themselves terrifying. Put both
together, though, and you have a phobic’s worst nightmare. Gay spiders?
Enough to send a Daily Mail reader into a confusion induced coma. An eight legged gay? Dear god.
Imagine Arturo the camp octoped rampaging
through the Home Counties, capturing the moral majority in his vast web of gayness. (I’m thinking we have the ideal vehicle to
re-launch the career of Vin Diesel here.
Someone get me his agent’s number.)
The link between
spiders and homosexuals is clear, then.
Happily for the arachnids out there, no one thinks you’re worse than
paedophiles. Hoorah. Gays, on the other hand, have been on the
receiving end of a moral fisting from respected Northern Ireland MP and idiot Iris Robinson. Mrs. Robinson has been getting rather
confused in a game of Sexual Abomination Top Trumps (Pentecostal
Christian Edition). During a debate on
the management of sex offenders, Robinson said “There can be no viler act,
apart from homosexuality and sodomy, than sexually abusing innocent children.” So, sodomy lands somewhere around the 200
point mark for vileness, out scoring child abuse by 4 points. But wait.
Commenting in the Belfast Telegraph, Robinson causes a steward’s enquiry
to be called. “I cannot think of
anything more sickening than a child being abused. It is comparable to the act
of homosexuality. I think they are all comparable. I feel totally repulsed by
both.” So it’s all evens. The scores for both homosexuality and child
abuse now read: Vileness 200, Nausea 127, Repulsion 50. Phew, controversy abated. We can all rest easy. But wait just another gay baiting
moment: “The remarks in the Grand
Committee report do not accurately reflect my views. While I will be seeking to
check the Committee recording, what I clearly intended to say was that child
abuse was worse even than homosexuality and sodomy.” So child abuse now outranks homosexuality? Top
Trumps enthusiasts around the word throw their cards in the air in frustration
and start making sweet gay love instead.
Robinson is clearly a moron for a) the whole gays are evil
thing and b) taking three goes at being a moron. Could she not get her moronism right the
first time? But again, like the
terrifying gay spiders from outer space (Hello? Mr. Diesel? Yes, we’ve just the part for you…) the
startled homophobe is unable to say quite why homosexuality is sickening to
them. The best Robinson can do is “I
have strong views on homosexual activity based on the Scriptures”. Brilliant.
It says so in the bible (or the translation of the bible that condemns
gay sex, rather than the translation that condemns gay prostitution. Its a confusing old anachronism) therefore
I’ve got to go and hit some gays with a bag of fish heads and mould before I
can pray for peace and brotherly love on earth.
But why are
organisations who profess to know the creator of the universe, the
way to eternal salvation and the meaning of life, so hung up on bums n'
cocks? Do the scriptures say why the abominable gay
is so abominable? (hoho, I think we have a cinematic trilogy here, you
know) If I can rely on Wikipedia for
theological insight, they don’t, stalling at a blustering ‘why, but it’s
unnatural!!” But if the church is to
pass judgement on bumming as unnatural, it must surely also rank tit wanks,
blow jobs, pearl necklaces, rimming and all manner of miscellaneous pleasures
on its sex abomination scale. Now
there’s a job for one lucky Priest.
Besides, anyone who’s seen the film Gladiator
knows that giraffes can be gay as well, so it must be natural. Take that Thomas Aquinas.
All of which drivel comes in the context of this week’s Gay
Pride event in Belfast. While Robinson continues to froth; “I find it
amazing, if not unexpected, as these days Christians are persecuted for their
views, but that will not stop me. There will be a Judgment Day. MUAHAHAHAH ALL WILL BURN IN THE FIRES OF
DAMNATION!!!*” it’s left to the city’s pre-eminent drag queen Titty Von Tramp
to add a sense of perspective. “It's
such a carnival atmosphere, the biggest parade in Northern Ireland outside of the
Twelfth of July marches, and we get support from so many people‼ That poor lady
has her views and we have our lives. Pride is about us.” Well said Titty. A march in Belfast that doesn’t involve religious
sectarianism, riot police, the army and cars on fire? Iris Robinson will be annoyed.
And you would think that that’s quite enough gay controversy
for one week. But hot off the homosexual
press comes news that Snickers have had to pull their latest advertisement
featuring B. ‘Gay’ Baracus himself, Mr.T.
In the advert, the former A Team
and… erm… the former A Team star is
seen shooting popular confectionary bars at a speed walker from a truck mounted
gatling gun, imploring him to ‘get some nuts’.
Nothing wrong there, surely.
There’s even some fool pitying to please the fans. U.S. lobby group Human Rights
Campaign, however, disagreed, stating that the advert condoned:
‘the notion that the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender
community is a group of second class citizens and that violence against GLBT
people is not only acceptable but humorous’.
Muh? As many
commentators have pointed out, surely it’s speedwalkerphobic rather than
homophobic. Are Human Rights Campaign
saying all speed walkers are gay? Or
that gays walk like speed walkers? Out
in internet land things get even more confusing:
“White man = gay, weak, effeminate. Black man = strong,
aggressive, powerful. Just more
reinforcement that white men are stupid and "have no nuts." The jews
are laughing at us.”
Wha? Where do the
Jews come into this? Couldn’t it have
been a GLBT and/or Jewish speed walker that Mr. T was chasing? All this irrational prejudice, phobia and
hatred is exhausting. Thankfully, the
vast majority of comments about the story have ridiculed Human Rights Campaign
including “Gay here, not offended.”
Thanks gay! Good to hear from
you. There was however, one person keen
to see Mr. T pound some gay ass (so to speak):
“The guy is a FAGGOT and Mr. T made him run like a straight
guy! YES!”
Iris Robinson’s internet privileges in the Northern Ireland
Assembly have since been suspended.
*third sentence not
necessarily accurate
|
|
