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BoFdate 28th April 2008
Human dignity is a fragile thing. Inside our minds we are noble, even heroic
beings. We know that should terrorists
threaten our loved ones we’d easily charge into a hail of bullets and bring
those mothers down. Maybe we’d take a
hit to the shoulder, but that wouldn’t stop us, oh no, we’ve seen Con Air.
A bullet is of little consequence to a man with super charged paternal
emotion flowing through his veins. Bam, take that terrorist. Yeah, high five me SWAT team, woo! Then we notice we’ve forgotten to put our
trousers on this morning and everyone is staring. Ah well.
read more
BoFdate 23rd April 2008
What’s the definition of consumerism gone mad? The clichéd
ivory back-scratcher is somewhat outdated (as a brief but hilarious aside, when
Googling ‘ivory back scratcher’ you get an ad for something which is apparently
‘almost as good as chocolate! Scratch every part of your back! – I’m imagining
a rake…’) but remains a pertinent example. And right up there with the
elephantine itch-buster would surely be the need to hire a dog for 4 days a
month – for a monthly fee of £279. And, as unbelievable as it sounds to people
who don’t deal in commodities and have friends called Pascal, this is the
service being launched in London. read more
BoFdate 20th April 2008
It’s very easy to find examples of human behaviour that make
you thankful that the bazooka was invented. Tracksuit bottoms tucked into
socks, for example. The middle classes
complaining about… anything really. Or even the humble beep. The use of a car horn used to signal a life
or death event, the excitement of human existence hanging in the balance.
Little Timmy foolishly skips into the road running after his space hopper –
HONNNKKK. The battery on granny’s mobility
scooter drains in the middle of the A1 – HONNNNKKK read more
BoFdate 14th April 2008
People are contradictory creatures. On the one hand we become bored easily,
frustrated at dull repetitive actions and crave something out of the ordinary
happening. How many of us have been sat
at work, stupefied to the point of death, and just wished for a gangland
shoot-out involving Russian mafia, kung-fu chefs and a trained bear to happen
right in front of us? Ones, if not twos,
of people, I’m sure. Especially if the
bear can use a machine gun. However,
when we are confronted with the new, the unusual, it is equally instinctive to
sneeringly dismiss it as a pile of wank and hurry back to the safety of a
routine that is slowly driving us insane. read more
BoFdate 9th April 2008
So, after 10 years and over £10 million it turns out that
the lesson to be learned is that the driver was drunk and the paparazzi are
heartless morons. Time and money well spent there. If only Henri Paul had paid
attention to the adverts on the telly. You know, the ones with the hedgehogs
and their glow in the dark wristbands. No, wait, that’s the green cross code
isn’t it. Like Darth Vader. Is it the one where ‘the kids are in bed and dinner’s
on and WALLOP! James? James?!? James!?!!?’ read more
BoFdate 6th April 2008
Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you plan
them. Some days are doomed from the
beginning. It’s an uncomfortable thought
that the only time you might start believing in the outside chance of an omniscient
deity actually existing is when it’s clear, that if it does, it’s really trying
to fuck up your day. Of course you
discount the daily miracle of your innards functioning perfectly rather than
dribbling out of your feet or your lungs not melting, but sometimes you can just
sense pre-ordained disaster in the air.
Those times when Russell Grant seems like a venerable sage who
understands the mysterious influences of the universe rather than a fat,
y-front wearing twat who talks bollocks for a living. read more
BoFdate 3rd April 2008
Getting all het up over the difference between a B and a C
grade is usually reserved for applicants adding Sheffield Polytechnic to their
UCAS form. This week however, it’s been cannabis that’s creating the alphabetic
furore. The Prime Minister seems to think that Marijuana needs to be classed
‘B’, whilst The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs seem happy for it to
remain at ‘C’. We can only assume that both parties have undertaken rigorous
research into the short and long term affects of usage, possibly by watching
the acclaimed documentary ‘Ali G Indahouse’ and rolling the contents of a
Tetley teabag in a Post-It note and lighting up... read on
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